Shame and the Power of Contact

Shame and Healing through Contact

A tightness in the stomach, and internal void, or a feeling of collapsing inward - sometimes it is visualized as a dark, downward spiral, pulling us away from ourselves and from others. Gershen Kaufman captures this as "an inner torment, a sickness of the soul...a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another.”

If you ever felt "not enough" or "flawed", you may have experienced your own version of the sensations described above.

You may have felt alone and unable to be with others. That's because shame is isolating. It creates distance—not only between us and others, but also within ourselves.

Shame is one of the most powerful human emotions. It is fundamentally relational. It arises in the space between people, in how we imagine we are seen or judged by others.

Everyone feels shame. In its healthy form, it is temporary; it can help us stay attuned to our values and to others. It can signal when something important is at stake and help us recalibrate. But when we are exposed to an environment that is deeply shaming, or when there isn't enough support for us to process and overcome shameful experiences, especially when we are young, shame can become internalized. It becomes a pervasive lens through which we experience ourselves.

Healing Through Contact

In many cultures, especially over the last fifty years, we have internalized the belief that we should be able to cope alone, without needing too much from others. This can make our natural need for support feel like a flaw, leaving us feeling isolated. Shame can reinforce this, pushing us to hide. But what can relieve shame is moving toward contact instead.

Speaking about shame can feel vulnerable and risky, especially when we don't know how our experience will be met. For people who have grown up in shaming environments or feel stuck in difficult relationships, reaching out for support can feel especially challenging. But the process of putting words to the experience often diffuses its intensity.

Shame grows in isolation, and it softens in contact. Healing can begin when we allow ourselves to be seen and met by others. Through a process of safe, supportive contact, shame can loosen its grip. When shame is met with compassion, something begins to shift. Our physical sensations of shame begin to lessen, the tension and tightness in the stomach soften, and what might have felt like a bottomless pit may start to feel like a shallow hole. The unbearable feelings can start to feel shareable, pointing us towards parts of ourselves that have been hidden or silenced, and reveal what matters to us—our desire for acceptance and belonging.

Through contact, the sense of being alone begins to ease, and we can experience ourselves differently—not as flawed, but as human.